This post is not, strictly speaking, about my application process. It is about those who applied and couldn't make it, or in my case, those who applied and couldn't make the cut once they got in. This thread is for those who, like me, love and respect the Forces and wish for nothing more than to serve their country with honour, but cannot. So if all you wanted was a career in the Forces and you could not make it in, or if you're like me and you made it in but couldn't make the cut for whatever reason, this is thread is for you. Share your stories if you feel inclined, share advice about learning to accept the things you can't change if you care to, or simply read and listen if that's all you want.
For my own part, I had everything I needed for a successful career as an officer in the Primary Reserve. I was physically able enough, and I had the necessary mental aptitude. I passed all the tests in the application process swimmingly, and at my BMQ I performed well, and passed every test... Except for one. For reasons I myself still do not grasp, I was seized by performance anxiety for the weapons test and failed it. Three times they let me try and three times I was too nervous to succeed. I still don't understand why I was seized by such paralyzing nervousness for that test. I had performed every required action on the rifle dozens of times before, I knew what I had to do and I had the ability to do it, but I just could not get over the nervousness. It was pathetic, and deep down I still hate myself over it.
The failure destroyed by personal confidence, and they sent me home soon afterwards. However, first I endured a miserable day of browbeating with the Master Corporal they placed in charge of getting me on the bus home. It wasn't that he was chewing me out, I'd be chewed out before and I didn't let it phase me before, but I was isolated from my section and my course, I was truly alone, and all his vitriol was directed at me. Stuff like that just stings more and cuts deeper when you don't have a team to stand with you. I can understand why he looked down upon me, he was a combat veteran, a hard man, and in his estimation it was clear that I was unworthy of being in the Army. Especially since he was infantry and I was supposed to become an infantry officer. You're probably thinking "This little crap shouldn't be in the Army in the first place if he can't handle a simple weapons test". And you'd be right.
The last thing my section Sergeant said to me before I was sent home was "If you sorted this out, you could be good, you could be very good". Unfortunately, my Coy OC back at my home regiment did not agree and gave the option of a voluntary release. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that it would be best for the Army if I did. I always tried to place the good of my team before my own, so I chose the voluntary release.
Now I'm focusing on my university education. After I graduate, perhaps I will reenlist. My heart wants me too, but my mind is telling me: "No, don't, you don't deserve to be in the company of men like the Master Corporal. You don't have the stones". I have not decided whether I will or not, but I'm getting this feeling that I will just have to accept that this dream is one I will have to give up on. Sometimes life is about swallowing the bitter pills you're given, and this one is very bitter indeed.
Does anyone else have a similar story to share? I find that getting it out and off your chest sometimes helps.
And you men and women who are good enough, who do have the stones, who are brave and bold and patriotic, I have endless respect for you. I want to thank you for always standing to defend this country we all love so much, and all the lesser men like me within it.
