Topic: BMQ and seperation anxiety

[armyjewelz]

Let me start by saying that in normal cases, my DH is a sensible, strong headed LOGICAL man.. Never cries, always thinking the worst case scenario in any situation and ensuring he does all he can to make sure that doesn't happen.

He went into the military KNOWING what was ahead or at least having a good idea that it was no cake walk and that everything is a mental game to break him down.

That being said, so far he has fallen into every trap set and today is only day 2!

I know he has a hard case of separation anxiety.. He is desperately missing me and our kids who had him wrapped around their fingers.. In fact the middle daughter has only realised I exist since he left.  Because of this he is not thinking logically on any front.  His first day there, he called home balling his eyes out saying he was going to quit and the only reason he hadn't VRed is because he didn't;t know who to talk to.  He said he was confined to his room except for meals and that he is not around anyone who is like minded.. All 17 year olds pumped for what is ahead... there is a girl from townhere who was on the same course as him but they got separated at St. Jean and she has kids... I feel like If he had access to others "In his boat" He would understand he is not the first to go through this and he will be fine.  So he phoned me like 4 times that day, every time more upset by things he heard around base.  From hearing that infantry is always deployed to hearing about people who have been re coursed and thus spent much longer at training away from home than expected. 

At some point that day, the PO came in and explained that VRing takes about 2 weeks etc.. so for the moment that idea is gone but now he is stuck on getting through basic and switching trades, which we all know involves at least SOME PAT... I tried explaining this but his ears are closed right now.

This is so not the man I know.  He is being illogical and insensible.  If he did VR, financially it would ruin us and I know he has it in him to be a good soldier if he can just keep his eye on the prize and get to the end.  I know if he gives it up over missing us then he will always regret it.

I have done EVERYTHING in my power to get through to him.. A lot of tough love "Suck it up Buttercup" etc... and I have tried being emotional with him.. everything I can.

He has wanted this his whole life and has put it off till exactly the right time, which is now...

Last night when he called, he was just angry.. he went from massive depressive to being short and snappy with me, obviously knowing I was not going to support his negativity.

At least he rushed me off the phone to get ready for the next day, hopefully that shows some sign of hope.

So now I sit here day in, with a rock in my stomach that he may make a rash decision that affects the rest of our lives and I can't do anything.

So I guess the end question is this..

Is there anything else I can do to make sure he gets through this

and

What is his best course of action (ONLY FROM PEOPLE WHO TRULEY KNOW PLEASE) if he has decided Infantry will take him away from home too much.  Bearing in mind that I realise ALL trades take you away from home a lot.

I hope this gets better now that he is actually on course.

Thanks in advance

[paracowboy]

quite honestly, there is nothing you can do. Basic is an internal battle. Either he has it in him, or he doesn't. You can offer him all the support in the world, but if he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to power through the tough spots, you can't put it in there. It's all up to him.

[McAllister]

If its only the first few days he might get used to it. Alot of the recruits at boot had never been away from home before, they got over it eventually.

Hey, you guys got to use e-mail at BMQ?

[armyjewelz]

Mmm.. If you are directing the question at me, no he has been phoning home.  He called like 4 times on Sunday before he started his course.  Last night he called once and was very rushed saying he had things to do.  I am kinda relieved that at least at this point he has not been spending every free minute on the phone with me as he could be.  He has actually bee getting done what he needs to.  I am hoping that is a sign of what is to come 

[paracowboy]

probably just last minute jitters, made worse by having children. Married troops often have it worse than single ones, and those with children can really suffer.
If he has what it takes, he has to find it. All you can do is tell him that you have faith in his abilites, and listen to him whine, snivel, cry, complain, curse, and yell. My girlfriend had to put up with it, now it's your turn.
He's mature enough to realize the financial consequences, but he has other concerns, and they are considerable. He will either adapt and overcome, or he will quit. Money is not going to be that high on his list of priorities. He's going to be discovering things about himself that will change his entire perspective on himself, and his place in the world. This is a journey of self-discovery, and he will face many challenges along that journey, all of them imposed on himself, by himself. You really can't do much besides act as a cheerleader.

Bottom line: If he can't hang, he can't hang.
Luck to him.

[armyguy62]

I would suggest you keep encouraging him to hang on for a couple of weeks. I think if he can tough it out he will find that he is better able to cope with the separation. This is an opportunity to use (or begin to develop) those powers of concentration that are so useful in the military... he must stay focused on the task at hand.  I am sure joining after having kids is a tough proposition, but if it has always been his dream to be in the service he must show that desire to persevere or the game is over before it starts. Best of luck to him, and to you and the wee ones.

[kincanucks]

My first instinct is that he needs a kick in the buttocks but that is just me.  Keep telling him that you support his decision to be in the CF and tell him to do it a week at a time,  eventually he will come to enjoy it or he will decide that he is too weak and want to come home.  And don't be afraid to let him know your concerns too especially about financial ruin if he quits now.

[armyjewelz]

I am glad to see you reply Kincanuck as I was hoping you could offer some advice on the taking a different trade once in BMQ.  How likely is it? How possible is it? what type of trade would he be eleigable for that would hopefully cause him less deployments over all (and yes I understand that you are sent away no matter what) etc...

To everyone else, thank you so much for your words, I do understand all of what you have said and I understand it is ultimately his choice and no money does not play an issue for him .. It's a HUGE one for me though!! ha ha... I guess the hardest part is sitting here with this rock in my stomach waiting to hear if today he feels like sticking it out or if it has made it even worse.

[kincanucks]

I am glad to see you reply Kincanuck as I was hoping you could offer some advice on the taking a different trade once in BMQ.   How likely is it? How possible is it? what type of trade would he be eleigable for that would hopefully cause him less deployments over all (and yes I understand that you are sent away no matter what) etc...

To everyone else, thank you so much for your words, I do understand all of what you have said and I understand it is ultimately his choice and no money does not play an issue for him .. It's a HUGE one for me though!! ha ha... I guess the hardest part is sitting here with this rock in my stomach waiting to hear if today he feels like sticking it out or if it has made it even worse.

There is a remote possibilty that he can switch occupations while in BMQ but he has to meet the requirements of the new trade.   I don't know what he is qualified for, so perhaps Comm Rsch, RMS CLK, Postal Clk, Sup Tech might be possibilities.

Someday there will be no more excuses like "I didn't know what I was getting into".

[armyjewelz]

I apprecite your assistance although I don't know that it is so much an excuse in his case but more a reality that hit.  he is far from 18 years old anymore and for some reason he has help onto his 18 year old dreams... but I am not going to get into all that.  I appreciate you assistance.

[paracowboy]

well, the same reality is that he still has to get through Basic in order to change trades.

Now, let's all take a few days, until his next phone call, to see where he stands. Perhaps it was just jitters and cold-feet. Perhaps he simply isn't cut out for this lifestyle. Let's wait and see.

[armyjewelz]

Supposely "BMQ" is not the issue.. Like you said, we will see, I just like to be as advised as I can on this side so I can help as much as possible when needed.... I can deal with the seperation one day at a time though it seems as of yet he is not faiing so well.  Keeping my finers crossed.

[Jungle]

armyjewelz, your hubbie is in shock. Happens a lot, and more severely to people with a spouse and kids back home, as Paracowboy said. He will either overcome it, or submit a VR by the end of week 3 (then regret it within months). It's all up to him... although your support can only be beneficial.

Last I heard, CFLRS did not take care of trade changes any more.

Good luck to both of you.

[armyjewelz]

Thank you...

Perhaps that is why their recommendation was th VR after basic and reapply.  EEK.. not a good idea I told him.  He sounds a bit more positive right now, we will see how things come.  Seems he was able to talk to his Seargent which seems to have helped.  I am holding on for the long haul though and many more teary calls home.  For tonight I can feel a bit more assured.. Until the next phone call.

[kincanucks]

A caution to VR after BMQ is that he will have to wait six months before he can reapply.

[armyjewelz]

Amongst many other Cons... Ie - Having to pay back his Christmad LTA and Whatever else.. Would you have to pay back the rest of the stuff if you finished basic?

At any rate.. NO!!! Must stop him from VRing LOL

[wongskc]

A trick I use to avoid homesickness is to seperate myself from what I left behind.  By this I mean taking out pictures of family & girlfriend from my wallet and limiting calls home.  I find it's easier to concentrate on the job at hand when I don't have many reminders of what's at home.

This is, admittedly, coming from a young guy with no family.  I don't know how well this would work for older people with family, I'm just throwing out points to ponder.  Good luck.

[armyjewelz]

Amongst many other Cons... Ie - Having to pay back his Christmad LTA and Whatever else.. Would you have to pay back the rest of the stuff if you finished basic?

Well, I have done my best and now I suppose because of that, my relationship is failing.  He has taken my "Tough Love" apprach and said that it is not an act as I am too good at it and has decided we must be over and yadda yadda.. Can't possibly get into EVERYTHING I went through tonight but the long and short of it is he looks like, after 18 years of depsperately wanting this, He may very well VR.  Right now we aren't speaking (He hung up on me) because apparently I don;t care about him  and how he feels, even though I have held back the tears just long enough to get through the calls and he has ZERO idea what is REALLY going on at home and with me...

So basically I don't need any lectures now, Past that point and honestly believe that I did and said everything exactly right but I guess the mental aspect gets to some...

What I am confused about (And he may stay still I am just bracing myself for the worst) is he says that from what he's seen that VR is a pretty quick process to when they get sent home.... and he says no one has said anything about paying back his flight there or his wage for the time he has been there.

I was under the impression that he has to?  Did I read that wrong somewhere? I was under the impression that if you VR you are responsible to repay your wage for the time there as well as you flight in for training and your flight home.  Am I wrong?

Thanks in advance.

[I_Drive_Planes]

Hello,

I've read this this thread with great interest being that I VR'd myself this summer for some of the same reasons that your husband is thinking of.  When I left I didn't have to pay anything back, in fact after I got home I received several unexplained cheques.  As far as a ride home, they would only pay for me to get to Vancouver, as that was where I signed my contract, I had to arrange my own transport to Prince George.  I can't say for sure as far as Recruits were concerned but I'm sure it's not that different for Ocdts.  The process isn't that long, I was out very quickly, I spent about a week on PAT, another VR from my platoon spent just over 2 weeks there (he got on the PO's bad side, not a good idea at all).  The whole VR process is not very pleasant at all, before being sent to PAT the VRs are basically segregated within the platoon and kept from certain activities.  After doing everything as a team that is not easy.  PAT platoon is not a happy place, everyone there doesn't want to be there, they are either medically unfit, physically unfit, or VRing.  That combined with the fact that PAT is mostly sitting around all day makes for a lot of negativity (I would have gleefully killed to have stayed with my course until I was actually leaving).  It is nice, however to be able to go to Montreal on the weekend, and have and drink or play some pool in the mess, helped to take the mind off of things.

I know that for me I have made the right decision.  That being said I still kick myself at least once a day for doing it.  It was the single hardest decision that I have ever had to make, and the only decision I have ever made that I have second guessed myself on.  I am in an excellent career right now that pays me 4-5x what I was making as an Ocdt (that has nothing to do with why I left, it came along after) but nothing will ever replace the pride I felt in pulling that uniform on in the morning and wearing that Canadian flag on my shoulder.  I absolutely loved almost every aspect of my time in the forces and I learned things there, and picked up traits that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I sincerely hope that before your husband decides to VR he thinks long and hard, and with a clear head. 

If you have any other questions please fire away.  I'd be happy to help any way that I can.

Planes

P.S. If your husband decides to VR he shouldn't have much trouble finding a job, I have found my military experience (my whole month of service) to be extremely beneficial with employers, I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for since I've been back.

[armyjewelz]

I agree with everything you've said I drive.  This is quite the opposite of the norm as I have shown him absolutely no weekness and am produ of that. I can know that no matter what he chooses, I did everything I could to keep him in.. and failed.

Were you paid for the whole time you were there? including PAT?

I had this impression that if he left we owed everything back and would be HOOPED!  I guess this eases my mind a tad although having to go back to work full time with a 4 month old was not on the top of my priority list but we can't afford to live if he goes back to his old job whn he gets back, or if he follows his new ambition to go back to school. 

[I_Drive_Planes]

I was paid for the time up until my release date (which was actually about four days after I got home).  If they aren't paying us to be there then they really can't keep us there while our releases are being processed.  Sometimes they do put the people on PAT to work (I got the feeling that the Recruit's side did a whole lot more work on PAT than the Ocdts did) on things like filling sandbags at Farnham, and if someone pissed off the PO they could expect to get graveyard green desk duty (and their release file would mysteriously fall behind the desk and not be found for awhile).  They can't expect people to do that work for free.  I received 4 or 5 cheques after I got home, the total IIRC was about $500, but the only one that I had any explanation for was when I got my final pay and my pension contributions back.

Planes

[armyjewelz]

EEk at the risk of sounding stupid... "IIRC"?

and now at the risk of starting a hug fest... (Not my intention at all but I receive a fair amount of replies to this thread asking what's going on so would rather post publicly.  Besides, this may serve useful for someone who goes through this later.)

After last nights absolute disaster and being called horrible names for my lack os sensitivity and such, today I was just myself with him and amazingly, the chat went really nice.  We spoke 2 or 3 times today as he is on weekend and other than sewing his name into EVERYTHING and getting prepared for inspection, he has tons of time (Sarcasm) Every time he sounded much more himself and actually got into a real chat about day to day life and shared some stories about the fun things going on there, which was really nice afer the incesant fighting we have been having.  I even got to hear one of the fire inspectors flipping out on some guy for having his locker open.. It was amusing!!

So once again, back to the "who kows what he is doing."  He still seems very very adament about OTing and he wants me to begin working on a plan to move close for the remainder of whatever training he has after basic.  If he stays in infantry, than we might rent a furnished apartment in Alta, pack the car as full of clothes as we can and put everything else in storage.  We will see.  I may sound pathetic but I am determined to see him through this as long as he is committed.  If that takes having his kids closer to him, than that is what I will do.  Although I must say it would be nice if he managed to OT and he took an Occupation that would put him on 10 weeks BMQ followed by OJT that was more than 6 months, then we would just be moved with him.  We shall see. 

P.S - I am very aware of how hard deployments and such will be on him if he is having this difficulty getting through now without us, however I have to think it is a little different being in a situation that you have no choice.  Not like you can VR on deployment. Spose you could but the reprecussions would be so much steeper than now! Ha...

[I_Drive_Planes]

My apologies, IIRC = If I Recall Correctly

I'm glad to hear that things are going better for you two, and good on him for deciding not to VR!

Planes

[armyjewelz]

and good on him for deciding not to VR!
Planes

So far.....

[FastEddy]

So far.....

armyjewelz, whereas Basic Training in any Military Force can be strange and maybe terrifying, its a norm for the course. Its not even much different at RCMP Depot.

Somehow I feel there is a greater under lying factor other than the new recruit panic which I think everybody felt on their indoctrination.

Your Husbands life long desire to join the the Military seems to pose a few questions, 1 Why he did not enlist when he was 18-19, 2 Why when it was only just right, my impression of that, it was financially convenient. 3 thought not unheard of, years of marriage and accumulating a family. With regard to Nr.3 I would have thought the Reserves would have been a better choice

Is your Husband not aware of the Stress this matter and his behavior is causing you. To say the least his last outburst.

My sympathies and concern are solely directed at you for what you must be going through.

As Kincades pointed out (he needs a swift kick in the butt) not a soft shoulder to cry on.

Its sounding very much like the Army is not for him or the Storey Book Dream of it he had. Maybe he will be able to make a complete turn around lets hope so.

It is not my place or position to offer the following, but IMHO, I'd say, Get on with it or Get Out, period, and no more crappy calls until you have something usefull to say.


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