Author Topic: BMQ and seperation anxiety (Read 10528 times)

armyjewelz · « **on:** November 01, 2005, 12:33:13 »

Let me start by saying that in normal cases, my DH is a sensible, strong headed LOGICAL man.. Never cries, always thinking the worst case scenario in any situation and ensuring he does all he can to make sure that doesn't happen.

He went into the military KNOWING what was ahead or at least having a good idea that it was no cake walk and that everything is a mental game to break him down.

That being said, so far he has fallen into every trap set and today is only day 2!

I know he has a hard case of separation anxiety.. He is desperately missing me and our kids who had him wrapped around their fingers.. In fact the middle daughter has only realised I exist since he left. Because of this he is not thinking logically on any front. His first day there, he called home balling his eyes out saying he was going to quit and the only reason he hadn't VRed is because he didn't;t know who to talk to. He said he was confined to his room except for meals and that he is not around anyone who is like minded.. All 17 year olds pumped for what is ahead... there is a girl from townhere who was on the same course as him but they got separated at St. Jean and she has kids... I feel like If he had access to others "In his boat" He would understand he is not the first to go through this and he will be fine. So he phoned me like 4 times that day, every time more upset by things he heard around base. From hearing that infantry is always deployed to hearing about people who have been re coursed and thus spent much longer at training away from home than expected.

At some point that day, the PO came in and explained that VRing takes about 2 weeks etc.. so for the moment that idea is gone but now he is stuck on getting through basic and switching trades, which we all know involves at least SOME PAT... I tried explaining this but his ears are closed right now.

This is so not the man I know. He is being illogical and insensible. If he did VR, financially it would ruin us and I know he has it in him to be a good soldier if he can just keep his eye on the prize and get to the end. I know if he gives it up over missing us then he will always regret it.

I have done EVERYTHING in my power to get through to him.. A lot of tough love "Suck it up Buttercup" etc... and I have tried being emotional with him.. everything I can.

He has wanted this his whole life and has put it off till exactly the right time, which is now...

Last night when he called, he was just angry.. he went from massive depressive to being short and snappy with me, obviously knowing I was not going to support his negativity.

At least he rushed me off the phone to get ready for the next day, hopefully that shows some sign of hope.

So now I sit here day in, with a rock in my stomach that he may make a rash decision that affects the rest of our lives and I can't do anything.

So I guess the end question is this..

Is there anything else I can do to make sure he gets through this

and

What is his best course of action (ONLY FROM PEOPLE WHO TRULEY KNOW PLEASE) if he has decided Infantry will take him away from home too much. Bearing in mind that I realise ALL trades take you away from home a lot.

I hope this gets better now that he is actually on course.

Thanks in advance

paracowboy · « **Reply #1 on:** November 01, 2005, 13:42:21 »

quite honestly, there is nothing you can do. Basic is an internal battle. Either he has it in him, or he doesn't. You can offer him all the support in the world, but if he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to power through the tough spots, you can't put it in there. It's all up to him.

McAllister · « **Reply #2 on:** November 01, 2005, 13:49:00 »

If its only the first few days he might get used to it. Alot of the recruits at boot had never been away from home before, they got over it eventually.

Hey, you guys got to use e-mail at BMQ?

armyjewelz · « **Reply #3 on:** November 01, 2005, 13:53:50 »

Mmm.. If you are directing the question at me, no he has been phoning home. He called like 4 times on Sunday before he started his course. Last night he called once and was very rushed saying he had things to do. I am kinda relieved that at least at this point he has not been spending every free minute on the phone with me as he could be. He has actually bee getting done what he needs to. I am hoping that is a sign of what is to come

paracowboy · « **Reply #4 on:** November 01, 2005, 14:10:41 »

probably just last minute jitters, made worse by having children. Married troops often have it worse than single ones, and those with children can really suffer.
If he has what it takes, he has to find it. All you can do is tell him that you have faith in his abilites, and listen to him whine, snivel, cry, complain, curse, and yell. My girlfriend had to put up with it, now it's your turn.
He's mature enough to realize the financial consequences, but he has other concerns, and they are considerable. He will either adapt and overcome, or he will quit. Money is not going to be that high on his list of priorities. He's going to be discovering things about himself that will change his entire perspective on himself, and his place in the world. This is a journey of self-discovery, and he will face many challenges along that journey, all of them imposed on himself, by himself. You really can't do much besides act as a cheerleader.

Bottom line: If he can't hang, he can't hang.
Luck to him.

armyguy62 · « **Reply #5 on:** November 01, 2005, 14:34:26 »

I would suggest you keep encouraging him to hang on for a couple of weeks. I think if he can tough it out he will find that he is better able to cope with the separation. This is an opportunity to use (or begin to develop) those powers of concentration that are so useful in the military... he must stay focused on the task at hand. I am sure joining after having kids is a tough proposition, but if it has always been his dream to be in the service he must show that desire to persevere or the game is over before it starts. Best of luck to him, and to you and the wee ones.

kincanucks · « **Reply #6 on:** November 01, 2005, 14:52:47 »

My first instinct is that he needs a kick in the buttocks but that is just me. Keep telling him that you support his decision to be in the CF and tell him to do it a week at a time, eventually he will come to enjoy it or he will decide that he is too weak and want to come home. And don't be afraid to let him know your concerns too especially about financial ruin if he quits now.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #7 on:** November 01, 2005, 14:56:54 »

I am glad to see you reply Kincanuck as I was hoping you could offer some advice on the taking a different trade once in BMQ. How likely is it? How possible is it? what type of trade would he be eleigable for that would hopefully cause him less deployments over all (and yes I understand that you are sent away no matter what) etc...

To everyone else, thank you so much for your words, I do understand all of what you have said and I understand it is ultimately his choice and no money does not play an issue for him .. It's a HUGE one for me though!! ha ha... I guess the hardest part is sitting here with this rock in my stomach waiting to hear if today he feels like sticking it out or if it has made it even worse.

kincanucks · « **Reply #8 on:** November 01, 2005, 15:58:36 »

Quote from: armyjewelz on November 01, 2005, 14:56:54

I am glad to see you reply Kincanuck as I was hoping you could offer some advice on the taking a different trade once in BMQ. How likely is it? How possible is it? what type of trade would he be eleigable for that would hopefully cause him less deployments over all (and yes I understand that you are sent away no matter what) etc...

To everyone else, thank you so much for your words, I do understand all of what you have said and I understand it is ultimately his choice and no money does not play an issue for him .. It's a HUGE one for me though!! ha ha... I guess the hardest part is sitting here with this rock in my stomach waiting to hear if today he feels like sticking it out or if it has made it even worse.

There is a remote possibilty that he can switch occupations while in BMQ but he has to meet the requirements of the new trade. I don't know what he is qualified for, so perhaps Comm Rsch, RMS CLK, Postal Clk, Sup Tech might be possibilities.

Someday there will be no more excuses like "I didn't know what I was getting into".

armyjewelz · « **Reply #9 on:** November 01, 2005, 17:28:52 »

I apprecite your assistance although I don't know that it is so much an excuse in his case but more a reality that hit. he is far from 18 years old anymore and for some reason he has help onto his 18 year old dreams... but I am not going to get into all that. I appreciate you assistance.

paracowboy · « **Reply #10 on:** November 01, 2005, 18:10:08 »

well, the same reality is that he still has to get through Basic in order to change trades.

Now, let's all take a few days, until his next phone call, to see where he stands. Perhaps it was just jitters and cold-feet. Perhaps he simply isn't cut out for this lifestyle. Let's wait and see.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #11 on:** November 01, 2005, 18:20:44 »

Supposely "BMQ" is not the issue.. Like you said, we will see, I just like to be as advised as I can on this side so I can help as much as possible when needed.... I can deal with the seperation one day at a time though it seems as of yet he is not faiing so well. Keeping my finers crossed.

Jungle · « **Reply #12 on:** November 01, 2005, 20:26:22 »

armyjewelz, your hubbie is in shock. Happens a lot, and more severely to people with a spouse and kids back home, as Paracowboy said. He will either overcome it, or submit a VR by the end of week 3 (then regret it within months). It's all up to him... although your support can only be beneficial.

Last I heard, CFLRS did not take care of trade changes any more.

Good luck to both of you.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #13 on:** November 01, 2005, 23:37:16 »

Thank you...

Perhaps that is why their recommendation was th VR after basic and reapply. EEK.. not a good idea I told him. He sounds a bit more positive right now, we will see how things come. Seems he was able to talk to his Seargent which seems to have helped. I am holding on for the long haul though and many more teary calls home. For tonight I can feel a bit more assured.. Until the next phone call.

kincanucks · « **Reply #14 on:** November 01, 2005, 23:45:55 »

A caution to VR after BMQ is that he will have to wait six months before he can reapply.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #15 on:** November 01, 2005, 23:50:08 »

Amongst many other Cons... Ie - Having to pay back his Christmad LTA and Whatever else.. Would you have to pay back the rest of the stuff if you finished basic?

At any rate.. NO!!! Must stop him from VRing LOL

wongskc · « **Reply #16 on:** November 02, 2005, 00:34:15 »

A trick I use to avoid homesickness is to seperate myself from what I left behind. By this I mean taking out pictures of family & girlfriend from my wallet and limiting calls home. I find it's easier to concentrate on the job at hand when I don't have many reminders of what's at home.

This is, admittedly, coming from a young guy with no family. I don't know how well this would work for older people with family, I'm just throwing out points to ponder. Good luck.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #17 on:** November 05, 2005, 01:10:38 »

Quote from: armyjewelz on November 01, 2005, 23:50:08

Amongst many other Cons... Ie - Having to pay back his Christmad LTA and Whatever else.. Would you have to pay back the rest of the stuff if you finished basic?

Well, I have done my best and now I suppose because of that, my relationship is failing. He has taken my "Tough Love" apprach and said that it is not an act as I am too good at it and has decided we must be over and yadda yadda.. Can't possibly get into EVERYTHING I went through tonight but the long and short of it is he looks like, after 18 years of depsperately wanting this, He may very well VR. Right now we aren't speaking (He hung up on me) because apparently I don;t care about him

and how he feels, even though I have held back the tears just long enough to get through the calls and he has ZERO idea what is REALLY going on at home and with me...

So basically I don't need any lectures now, Past that point and honestly believe that I did and said everything exactly right but I guess the mental aspect gets to some...

What I am confused about (And he may stay still I am just bracing myself for the worst) is he says that from what he's seen that VR is a pretty quick process to when they get sent home.... and he says no one has said anything about paying back his flight there or his wage for the time he has been there.

I was under the impression that he has to? Did I read that wrong somewhere? I was under the impression that if you VR you are responsible to repay your wage for the time there as well as you flight in for training and your flight home. Am I wrong?

Thanks in advance.

I_Drive_Planes · « **Reply #18 on:** November 05, 2005, 02:49:16 »

Hello,

I've read this this thread with great interest being that I VR'd myself this summer for some of the same reasons that your husband is thinking of. When I left I didn't have to pay anything back, in fact after I got home I received several unexplained cheques. As far as a ride home, they would only pay for me to get to Vancouver, as that was where I signed my contract, I had to arrange my own transport to Prince George. I can't say for sure as far as Recruits were concerned but I'm sure it's not that different for Ocdts. The process isn't that long, I was out very quickly, I spent about a week on PAT, another VR from my platoon spent just over 2 weeks there (he got on the PO's bad side, not a good idea at all). The whole VR process is not very pleasant at all, before being sent to PAT the VRs are basically segregated within the platoon and kept from certain activities. After doing everything as a team that is not easy. PAT platoon is not a happy place, everyone there doesn't want to be there, they are either medically unfit, physically unfit, or VRing. That combined with the fact that PAT is mostly sitting around all day makes for a lot of negativity (I would have gleefully killed to have stayed with my course until I was actually leaving). It is nice, however to be able to go to Montreal on the weekend, and have and drink or play some pool in the mess, helped to take the mind off of things.

I know that for me I have made the right decision. That being said I still kick myself at least once a day for doing it. It was the single hardest decision that I have ever had to make, and the only decision I have ever made that I have second guessed myself on. I am in an excellent career right now that pays me 4-5x what I was making as an Ocdt (that has nothing to do with why I left, it came along after) but nothing will ever replace the pride I felt in pulling that uniform on in the morning and wearing that Canadian flag on my shoulder. I absolutely loved almost every aspect of my time in the forces and I learned things there, and picked up traits that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I sincerely hope that before your husband decides to VR he thinks long and hard, and with a clear head.

If you have any other questions please fire away. I'd be happy to help any way that I can.

Planes

P.S. If your husband decides to VR he shouldn't have much trouble finding a job, I have found my military experience (my whole month of service) to be extremely beneficial with employers, I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for since I've been back.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #19 on:** November 05, 2005, 10:47:18 »

I agree with everything you've said I drive. This is quite the opposite of the norm as I have shown him absolutely no weekness and am produ of that. I can know that no matter what he chooses, I did everything I could to keep him in.. and failed.

Were you paid for the whole time you were there? including PAT?

I had this impression that if he left we owed everything back and would be HOOPED! I guess this eases my mind a tad although having to go back to work full time with a 4 month old was not on the top of my priority list but we can't afford to live if he goes back to his old job whn he gets back, or if he follows his new ambition to go back to school.

I_Drive_Planes · « **Reply #20 on:** November 05, 2005, 15:14:04 »

I was paid for the time up until my release date (which was actually about four days after I got home). If they aren't paying us to be there then they really can't keep us there while our releases are being processed. Sometimes they do put the people on PAT to work (I got the feeling that the Recruit's side did a whole lot more work on PAT than the Ocdts did) on things like filling sandbags at Farnham, and if someone pissed off the PO they could expect to get graveyard green desk duty (and their release file would mysteriously fall behind the desk and not be found for awhile). They can't expect people to do that work for free. I received 4 or 5 cheques after I got home, the total IIRC was about $500, but the only one that I had any explanation for was when I got my final pay and my pension contributions back.

Planes

armyjewelz · « **Reply #21 on:** November 06, 2005, 03:20:35 »

EEk at the risk of sounding stupid... "IIRC"?

and now at the risk of starting a hug fest... (Not my intention at all but I receive a fair amount of replies to this thread asking what's going on so would rather post publicly. Besides, this may serve useful for someone who goes through this later.)

After last nights absolute disaster and being called horrible names for my lack os sensitivity and such, today I was just myself with him and amazingly, the chat went really nice. We spoke 2 or 3 times today as he is on weekend and other than sewing his name into EVERYTHING and getting prepared for inspection, he has tons of time (Sarcasm) Every time he sounded much more himself and actually got into a real chat about day to day life and shared some stories about the fun things going on there, which was really nice afer the incesant fighting we have been having. I even got to hear one of the fire inspectors flipping out on some guy for having his locker open.. It was amusing!!

So once again, back to the "who kows what he is doing." He still seems very very adament about OTing and he wants me to begin working on a plan to move close for the remainder of whatever training he has after basic. If he stays in infantry, than we might rent a furnished apartment in Alta, pack the car as full of clothes as we can and put everything else in storage. We will see. I may sound pathetic but I am determined to see him through this as long as he is committed. If that takes having his kids closer to him, than that is what I will do. Although I must say it would be nice if he managed to OT and he took an Occupation that would put him on 10 weeks BMQ followed by OJT that was more than 6 months, then we would just be moved with him. We shall see.

P.S - I am very aware of how hard deployments and such will be on him if he is having this difficulty getting through now without us, however I have to think it is a little different being in a situation that you have no choice. Not like you can VR on deployment. Spose you could but the reprecussions would be so much steeper than now! Ha...

I_Drive_Planes · « **Reply #22 on:** November 06, 2005, 15:10:11 »

My apologies, IIRC = If I Recall Correctly

I'm glad to hear that things are going better for you two, and good on him for deciding not to VR!

Planes

armyjewelz · « **Reply #23 on:** November 06, 2005, 16:00:08 »

Quote from: I_Drive_Planes on November 06, 2005, 15:10:11

and good on him for deciding not to VR!
Planes

So far..... $:-\$

FastEddy · « **Reply #24 on:** November 07, 2005, 12:43:42 »

Quote from: armyjewelz on November 06, 2005, 16:00:08

So far..... $:-\$

armyjewelz, whereas Basic Training in any Military Force can be strange and maybe terrifying, its a norm for the course. Its not even much different at RCMP Depot.

Somehow I feel there is a greater under lying factor other than the new recruit panic which I think everybody felt on their indoctrination.

Your Husbands life long desire to join the the Military seems to pose a few questions, 1 Why he did not enlist when he was 18-19, 2 Why when it was only just right, my impression of that, it was financially convenient. 3 thought not unheard of, years of marriage and accumulating a family. With regard to Nr.3 I would have thought the Reserves would have been a better choice

Is your Husband not aware of the Stress this matter and his behavior is causing you. To say the least his last outburst.

My sympathies and concern are solely directed at you for what you must be going through.

As Kincades pointed out (he needs a swift kick in the butt) not a soft shoulder to cry on.

Its sounding very much like the Army is not for him or the Storey Book Dream of it he had. Maybe he will be able to make a complete turn around lets hope so.

It is not my place or position to offer the following, but IMHO, I'd say, Get on with it or Get Out, period, and no more crappy calls until you have something usefull to say.

.

Shadow Cat · « **Reply #25 on:** November 07, 2005, 16:04:05 »

I have to say here that my DH was in shock very much the same as what her DH is. He has pulled though it now. But it is the person on the other end encouraging them that everything will be alright and that they have someone rooting for them and letting them know that they can do it that helps to pull them through. It just takes time for them to get used to the shock of being taking away from everything (spouse, kids, friends). Once he gets more comfortable with this new life, he should be doing much much better.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #26 on:** November 07, 2005, 16:15:58 »

Thank you for your sympathy, and it is duely noted and appreciated however I do feel you were a little quick to jump in afew areas, while other things you have said were very true.

My biggest defence here has to be the "Why didn't he do it at 18 or 19?" There have been numerous personal issues behind that.. He has been accepted 3 times prior. The first time his life was far from stable (personal) the second time, he was in a bad car accident in which he was promised he would not go army at all.. His determination got him to this point in which he has been able to actually do it despite what has been said.

As far as finances, while yes, the security of this job will be nice, we were financially "survivng" before... The biggest problem is he has promised us the future and now that we have tasted it, of course its what we want.

I gave him the kick in the butt routine until Friday night when I figured he was going to quit.. Then after expressing my extreme dissapointment... I went back to normal... Since then, I have gotten my old husband back! He is awesome on the phone now! Talks about what is going on and how much he enjoys everything (Other than being apart) The VR conversation has been replaced with talks about graduation and as much as he still feels he should OT (His expectations have not changed since he was 18 and now he realises he isn;t 18 and being away infanrty all the time might not be the best.. Cause we didn't ALL TELL HIM THAT!

) he knows that in worst case scenario he gets through all of this and then remusters.   It is SOOO much more positive and SOO much less stressful.

Last night I made a commitment that if he finishes BQ that we will pack all the clothes we need in the car, put everything else in storage and drive up to Alberta inti a furnished suite so he will be able to come home on any free weekends he may encounter... I think this idea has also helped alot!

While I am all for the tough love and "Don't show your weak" approach, it just hasn't worked for him.   He is realy doing alot better.   Granted I have told him he absolutely can;t quit and so on and so fourth and for all the reasons including pride etc. and when he brings it up, I say, You know what? I STILL   feel that way, I am just not going to be a ***** about it anymore.

He asks if we have enough money... (We don't) He asks if everything is ok at home (Sorta) He asks how I am handling things (Not well) He asks if our daughter is having a hard time (She is)   The resonding answer is, "No babe, we're doing fine. We are proud of you, just keep going."

So in that sense.. I am doing what needs to be done.

Thanks for your input and I am SURE this thread will stay active as we move through the next several weeks and face much more Drama, but it is easier to be on the other side of the fence. Like ShadowCat said... No 2 cases are the same.

Cheers

armyjewelz · « **Reply #27 on:** November 07, 2005, 16:20:03 »

Ironically I was mentioning Shadowcat and her ears were burning! Ha!

I think some of what he has said is true.. I DO believe he is 31 and has put everything aside for this, so it IS time to get it on, but I am learning that the approach to get someone there is not always the same for everyone

spud · « **Reply #28 on:** November 07, 2005, 20:44:10 »

armyjewelz,

From my experience, i wanted to ski-idaddle home the week after I got to basic. My son was 2 months old, I was homesick, i came up with the wildest excuses in the world, I didn't think straight at all. Tried to quit, the Srmajor told me to give it another week, would take that long for the paperwork anyway. He blasted me, told me to suck it up, I had family now and responsibilities, blah blah blah. So I said "yes Srmajor" and left. I thought all week about how relieved I would be to finally VR. Exactly 7 days later he called me into the office. Then the worm turned.

What do you want to do he said? "I want to stay Srtmajor". He looked at me and started yelling "why should I let you stay in my miltary, your weak, you wanted to quit, etc". So I told him "I have responsibilities, I have a family now" (basically regurgitating what he told me one week earlier!).

He told me I could stay but he would be keeping an eye on me. Everytime he saw me he gave me hell, no matter where I was. Something clicked in during that week and it sounds like the switch has been hit on your guy as well so don't give up on him.

moral of the story

At the graduation party the Srmajor made a small speech and left the stage. He came and sat with me and my family and he told me how well I had done. I was the only recruit he took the time to talk to. I would have done anything that guy asked me to at that point! Made the whole thing worthwhile.

Chin up, he'll get through it.

potato

Griswald, DME · « **Reply #29 on:** November 12, 2005, 18:38:12 »

No he won't have to pay back his flight. The only thing, as one person mentioned if he has taken more LTA than he is entitled to he would need to pay that back.

VR is so phucking easy - sorry for the harsh language, it's a bit of a peeve of mine. It's simply TOO freaking easy in my opinion. I saw too many good men and women drop out and I knew some of them would have made excellent soldiers and highly skilled trades. I often wonder how many of them regret it.

I feel sorry for the (many) spouses, girlfriends, mothers, whoever that has to be on the receiving end of a lot of bmq calls from upset men and women who want to VR. And I feel sorry for you, it must be very tough.

Fasteddy has some excellent advice, I would also have to agree with the (even though it sounds cruel) put up, shut up and just do it. It's only 10 weeks for pete's sake. It will be over in no time and your husband will look back and think "Geeze, it's over... that wasn't so bad after all". (once it's over that is).

Good luck to your husband. And to you.

DME

Kat Stevens · « **Reply #30 on:** November 12, 2005, 19:03:55 »

I don't mean to sound like an insensitive clod...BUT.... EFF ME!! It's not like he's in a Siberian gulag getting his politics rewired. BMQ or whatever the acronym du jour is, is not designed to kill anyone, but turn them into a BASICALLY trained soldier, err, service member, whatever. Virtually all trades in the military have to be deployable, and honestly, 10 weeks in Quebec doesn't even come close to 6-12 months in some of Earths many above ground pits. Sorry, needed to vent, lock n load, I await the flames....

Bert · « **Reply #31 on:** November 12, 2005, 20:46:16 »

Those that have gone through BMQ, been on taskings or deployments, have acquired enough
experience/conditioning to think BMQ is a piece of cake. For a civilian going through a BMQ and
experiencing the military for the first time can find it a drastic shock. The recruits that get over
the inital shock or hump within the first two weeks of BMQ settle down quickly once they accept the
situation. To varying degrees, everyone experiences it.

On my BMQ, there was a guy who hit the hump pretty hard in the second week. He wanted to VR.
The section gathered around and talked about it; the reasons why he wanted to join in the first place,
the chance at an exciting career with opportunies and stability, and if he decided to VR, it would take
several weeks. If he continued on in BMQ, it would be over in a relative few weeks anyway. Might as
well settle down and enjoy it rather than being stuck on PAT awaiting a VR.

He decided not to VR, worked hard, and was eventually nominated for platoon's Comradeship award at
the end of the course.

George Wallace · « **Reply #32 on:** November 12, 2005, 20:52:45 »

Well, he will be done his first two weeks by now (As of the first info in the first post.) He will have probably stood on parade with the whole School for the Remembrance Day Service. I am curious how he feels now? Is he starting to feel what it truly means to don the uniform?

armyjewelz · « **Reply #33 on:** November 12, 2005, 21:05:45 »

Bert,

I have to thank you for being so beutral in your response, I think others are very quick to flame someone having a hard time, and yes we cann all sit here and say, he has three kids and what is he doing and blah blah blah..

The most irritating thing for me is those who say things like "It's ONLY 10 weeks" Guess what, it's NOT... it is almost 9 months he will be apart from us as his courses are all 10 weeks and seperate so the military will not pay for us to be with him.

I agree.. All trades WILL take him away from home... but when heis there, he will know HOW LONG he is gone for and that he is guaranteed to come home at the end and most of all that he can't quit.

As much as I can sit here and say 8 - 9 months training.. that is pending no recourses... While he is doing fantastic marks wise.. he has a badly infected foot now that he has intentionally seeked no more help than that of his platoon mates with medical background as he is sooo scared of being PAT and then Recoursed. Which then takes him to what? 10 , 12, 24 months gone? Don;t laugh as I have heard of the solider who goes away for 6 months training and comes back 2 years later... far too often. It is a harsh reality and something he isn't prepared for.

So ya, I am harsh on him most of the time and I come on here with a tough front but in the end.. Can I relate?m Absolutely... Like I said, and Bert and Shadow amongst others who I am forgetting to mention... It is absolutely a shock to the system.

That being said... He is being a hell of a trooper... He starts week 3 on Monday. He LOVES the course, LOVES drill the whole works.... but he has MASSIVE seperation anxiety and he wants to come home... He has commited to finishing basic and going from there... The phonecalls are MUCH easier and I feel for him with an infected foot that he can barely get in his boot now.

He has absolutely sucked it up and I am proud of him.

Now I just want to say that I do appreciate every once of info and help and opinions everyone has offered, just because I choose to disagree with some does not mean I do not value them all the same.

Thank you.

(HugFest)

And thanks for checking up on Me/Him... Here starts another week...

Cheers!

kimmie · « **Reply #34 on:** November 12, 2005, 23:42:38 »

Jewelz,

So glad dh is doing better. Sorry to hear about his foot...yuck $:-\$ . I hope it starts getting better soon. And I am so glad he has decided to stick this out and go through BMQ. YAY for both of you. Hope you had fun, I obviously haven't heard from you in a while. Call me and fill me in.

I am knee deep in boxes and am seriously reconsidering this.

paracowboy · « **Reply #35 on:** November 13, 2005, 15:43:21 »

gee, didn't someone say on the first page of this kumbayah sing-along that it was probably nerves and that we should give him a few weeks?

Griswald, DME · « **Reply #36 on:** November 13, 2005, 17:00:33 »

I am also glad to hear he is doing better. I don't think any one of us went thru basic without thinking of VR'ing at least a million times.

For the only 10 weeks part, I apologize as you seem to have taken a personal offence to my message. I mentioned in my previous post I meant once its over he will look back and think "oh that wasn't so bad". For myself, and many others on my bmq course we thought the same thing. You asked for advise on anything that can help him get thru it, and army.ca members obliged. I was quite surprised by the response when we were only trying to assist. However, I think most of us can understand you would be sensative at the moment with your husband in bmq. I know my wife was as well.

Which got me thinking so I asked my wife just now her thoughts on me going away for long periods of time (My trade takes me away often) and she basically shrugged her shoulders and said it was tough at first, but now we have a family and lots of close friends nearby, its not bad at all. She said that maybe you are in a new relationship and haven't gotten to the point where you don't mind if your husband leaves for a while so you get some peace and quiet. And she added "tell her the money is good overseas!". (geeze, now I think I need marital counselling - or at least a boost to the old self esteem. thanks. thanks a lot.)

DME

armyjewelz · « **Reply #37 on:** November 14, 2005, 00:49:39 »

Quote

Now I just want to say that I do appreciate every once of info and help and opinions everyone has offered, just because I choose to disagree with some does not mean I do not value them all the same.

Griswald - Exactly why I posted the above

No offence was taken and I wish you wouldn't either

Para - AWWWW!!!! I love ya huney... LOL You know sometimes I just have to get these stupid things out despite your almighty infinite knowledge right? Yes, You were right

(And this is in my teasing voice by the way)

I expect thing to get better/easier... I expect to be highly emotional... I expect that there will/have been times where I will absolutely doubt myself and him. I expect that people will call me a retard and immature and the likes either to my face or behind my back.. I expect that all of you who have been there, are going there and know what I am talking about will continue to offer me your words, both kind and harsh.. THank you

I truely do appreciate the knowledge regardless of whether I agree, as I mentioned before.
Cheers and here's hoping the phone calls will be good hence fourth.. ALthough I am seriously nervous about his foot.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #38 on:** November 19, 2005, 03:54:35 »

So, for those following this thread...

DH was put on 7 days restriction yesterday.

Since about day 3, his foot has been bothering him bad.. Wahh.. I know.. But he was so concerned about being recoursed and being away longer than necessary, that he did the manly "Soldier On" approach and never said a word. Acouple Medics in his Platton took care of it one night and while bandaging it, said "You REALLY need to go to MIR" Well, being a man, he asked PO if there was a cobbler on base and being told no, he carrier on... He told me one night that it looked like a "Bullet wound with a huge swollen purple area around it"
He tried to wrap it and was in trouble for using gauze.. Anyways.. eventually he was told to march through grass and that was it, apparently he was limping despite his best efforts to hide his injury. So he was sent to MIR who told him a week longer and he would have had blood poisoning and been put on IV. So he is on 7 days restricted physical activity.
For anyone who doesn't know how it works (I am just quoting what I have been told) if he misses 9 of any one class, he is put on PAT and then Recoursed to whatever comes available, which could be first week. Since he was in the last platoon for the 11 week program, this means he would do the 13 week. He says he has awesome staff right now which is quite possibly a big part of what has gotten him through so far.. He would have new staff... YAAA! More time away and with possibly not-so-understanding staff. This sounds like win win...
So far he has missed 2 drill classes (often times there are 2 or 3 drills in a day) and 2 PE classes. He returns to the Dr. on Sunday to check how he is healing.. We are not religious but are praying that the Dr. will say he is healing fast and he will be able to return prior to the 9 missed.

In the meantime, the injury was caused because he has a high instep (GEE CAUSE I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT IN THE BEGINNING

) and he cannot wear standard issue boots. He needs specialty boots made.

THe phone calls home have not been near as bad as I suspected they would be. He does sound slightly depressed, obviously, but he doesn't mention VRing, which I thought would be his first sentence. When I tell him he is handling it really well, he responds with...
"I still hold a ray of hope that I will not be recoursed."

Here's hoping.

Mojo Magnum · « **Reply #39 on:** November 19, 2005, 08:23:06 »

Hang tuff there Jewelz. Sounds like you're one heck of a supportive woman! Way to go

I'm at St. Jean right now, in week 8 and I must say that, as a "married with kids" recruit, all my preparation went in to PT. I was totally blindsided by how much I missed my family. The main thing I wanted to share here is that.....at first you have no freedom to move around at all. Which makes the anxiety even worse. BUT IT PASSES QUICKLY!!. By week 4 or so you gain more freedom, see new recruits coming in who look absolutely terrified (which is kinda funny, because you soon see that there is nothing to be terrified about). The weeks will fly by, he'll soon be free to go to the store, see a movie and feel a little more like a human being again (not to mention have a beer!!).

And once that sense of accomplishment kicks in, he'll probably be bouncing off the ceiling as he realizes just how cool it is to go ARMY!!!!
(he is ARMY right, Infantry if I recall from earlier in the thread.)

Having lived some of what your hubby is going through, and after reading your posts I must say that I am hopeful for him. As he gets to know members of his platoon and camaraderie takes hold, he'll probably be crying when they all go there separate ways at grad.

Last thing,
once you get through week 7, you're pretty much home free. All exams are done, you just have to get through the outdoor portion. (for the 11 week course anyway). As he starts to learn a bit more about where the "mile stones" are in the course, it won't seem so long.

The week's really do FLY by.
later.

paracowboy · « **Reply #40 on:** November 19, 2005, 10:23:24 »

He soldiered on and made an injury worse. Sounds like Infantry material to me - tough and not too bright.
He has to learn to differentiate (every wannabe and FNG pay attention here!) between being hurt and being injured.
Hurtin' is nuthin'. You can drive through hurt. It's just your body trying to tell your mind to ease off. It's your body being lazy and weak.
Injured is sumthin' altogether diff'rent. Injured means you have broken sumthin' in your body somewhere. If you drive on with an injury, you are going to make it worse, causing you to let your section down, and the mission may fail.

But, Grunts don't always grasp that until they get old and the injuries start to mount up.

(Not that I was ever that stupid. I never forced myself through an injury.

) It's refreshing to see the change in Sr NCO's outlook on this now, though. Before, unless you were losing significant amounts of blood, or had bone protruding, you were expected to drive on. Now, they'd rather see a troop get himself repaired properly before he makes himself worse.

Tell your ol' man, that shite happens. His first priority here is to get the problem fixed, no matter how long it may take, or if it causes him to get re-coursed. If he doesn't get it repaired now, it will just become worse later, causing him to miss even more training, and possibly get medical'd off the Queen's shilling completely (worst case scenario, don't panic). He will be no good to his fellow troops, his unit, or his family if he gets himself completely broken.

That's coming from a guy who is being medical'd out of the only job he's ever truly loved. Because he soldiered on when he should have faced reality a long time back. And now, I can't be employed in my Beloved Infantry anymore, I will never jump from an airplane in flight again, I am useless.
Further, the only job I was looking seriously at after my 20 was Law Enforcement. Now, there is no LE Agency in North America that will touch me, as I cannot be insured.
So, I have no education, no fall-back options, and no prospects. Because I soldiered on when I should have gotten fixed up.
Learn from this. Don't let yourselves get to this state.

jesses_girl · « **Reply #41 on:** November 19, 2005, 16:56:35 »

my bf/spouse has been at basic for 2 weeks now, and i have been so supportive and positive; trying to make his first time away from family and friends as easy as possible...

i'm just kinda starting to realize now that i have to find some sort of support system for myself as well...since i have been keeping all my "sh*tty" moods away from him as i am trying to be supportive...and i know that anything i am going through here can't be nearly as bad as how it is there...

there are a few other army gf's that i talk to when i am feeling really cruddy...but other than that i am really just trying to keep myself busy so i don't think about things too much....

anyone have any other ideas?

Bert · « **Reply #42 on:** November 19, 2005, 17:05:20 »

Paracowboy

Quote

Further, the only job I was looking seriously at after my 20 was Law Enforcement. Now, there is no LE Agency in North America that will touch me, as I cannot be insured. So, I have no education, no fall-back options, and no prospects

We all at army.ca still love you!

paracowboy · « **Reply #43 on:** November 19, 2005, 17:10:18 »

Quote from: Bert on November 19, 2005, 17:05:20

Paracowboy
We all at army.ca still love you!

I dunno, dude. Apparently, there are at least 17 people who don't.

Or maybe one person who doesn't, but doesn't a LOT.

BWAAAHAhahahaha!
Too bad I can't "demote" myself! Nobody hates me more than me! After all, I know me better than anyone.

armyjewelz · « **Reply #44 on:** November 19, 2005, 17:15:54 »

Ya and apparently 2 more people hate me right now than did an hour ago.. GEESH!!!

armyjewelz · « **Reply #45 on:** November 19, 2005, 17:18:35 »

Good on ya, I can relate!

HAve you tried the CMFRC or Canadian Military Family Resource Center?

I have found it to be a great source of help in all the services they offer me from a cheap gym membership, daycare, social groups the works.

Also helpful to find wives/gfs that are somewhere close to what you are going through or have gone through it recently. I get the best support from my friends who's DH's just finished BMQ as opposed to (and I love you all too) the one who have no idea cause it's been so long.

Overtime you grow immune to the seperation or at least find it much easier to deal with so sometimes talking to people just going through it for the first time helps.

Springroll · « **Reply #46 on:** November 19, 2005, 17:59:22 »

A couple suggestions to keep your mind off of him being away:

-take up a hobby. I started beading.
-participate in some of the activities through the MFRC
-start a coffee group with women going through the same, or that have gone through it.

Feel free to msn me anytime you need to just chat...

armyjewelz · « **Reply #47 on:** November 19, 2005, 20:37:00 »

HA! for some reason when I read beading, I thought it said BREEDING and I was going to ask what dh thought of that! LMAO!

Elisha · « **Reply #48 on:** November 19, 2005, 21:30:47 »

I'd have to agree with staying busy, find a hobby. When my husband was away I took up crocheting (sp). Meeting people, going for coffee...get involved as much as you can. If you are unsure of where to start, the mfrc is a great place to look. There are also very many support websites around that will be a great help as well.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you need.

Elisha

Springroll · « **Reply #49 on:** November 20, 2005, 07:26:30 »

Quote from: armyjewelz on November 19, 2005, 20:37:00

HA! for some reason when I read beading, I thought it said BREEDING and I was going to ask what dh thought of that! LMAO!

well if you consider breeding a hobby, then go for it

Buford001 · « **Reply #50 on:** November 20, 2005, 19:18:57 »

Hello,
Yes doing a hobby will help pass the time. How about scrapbooking you can do wonderful pages with pictures and journals. I am in the beginning of creating one. The MFRC is great to get to know people and they also have craft days for adults. Sitting around the table having coffee and cookies doing something crafty. The last one i attended we made shrinky dinks , something i did as a child but forgotten . It was fun and relaxing 2 hours.

Have you thought of going to the gym?

Have fun .

be well
Diane

Springroll · « **Reply #51 on:** November 20, 2005, 20:15:35 »

Good idea, Diane!!

I totally forgot about the scrapbooking I did when hubby was gone! I also got into card making. Simple things that really do pass the time quickly, especially if you are busy making a small one up for your s/o...

Buford001 · « **Reply #52 on:** November 20, 2005, 20:29:33 »

Well thank you Springroll,
I also do cards (embossed) for the last 9 years it was actually a hobby that turned into a business creating over 700 cards for Xmas season (can you say burn out, I owned and ran 3 businesses from home). I am just starting to scrapbook but feel i have creators block right now.lol But I am patient I know its not that difficult I journal everyday and i have over $5000 in supplies (papers, punches, cutters, stamps, etc..) I know it is going to be loads of fun .

be well
Diane

tourwife · « **Reply #53 on:** November 20, 2005, 22:31:46 »

Don't forget because your significant other is away for more then 4 weeks, you're able to access deployment childcare if it's offerred on your base, as well as any other deployment events that are offered. Take this time to try new things and join new groups. This is a great time to learn new things, and I guarantee by the time he comes back you'll learn so many new things about yourself.

Springroll · « **Reply #54 on:** November 21, 2005, 06:22:20 »

Quote from: Buford001 on November 20, 2005, 20:29:33

Well thank you Springroll,
I also do cards (embossed) for the last 9 years it was actually a hobby that turned into a business creating over 700 cards for Xmas season (can you say burn out, I owned and ran 3 businesses from home). I am just starting to scrapbook but feel i have creators block right now.lol But I am patient I know its not that difficult I journal everyday and i have over $5000 in supplies (papers, punches, cutters, stamps, etc..) I know it is going to be loads of fun .

be well
Diane

I also started an at home business to help keep me busy and keep up my candle stocks..hehehe In the end, it was not the business for me, but it did keep me distracted from the loneliness, which was one of the big reasons for doing it.

jesses_girl · « **Reply #55 on:** November 21, 2005, 20:20:02 »

Quote from: Buford001 on November 20, 2005, 19:18:57

Have you thought of going to the gym?

ha...pretty much all i do right now is: work...go to the gym....do housework...sleep....

i've always been very active and done lots of different activities....i always think though about how i want to make sure i am home for when he calls and when he does come home for a break how i want to spend all my time with him then....i know i will get used to this whole situation and i wont plan my life around him ALL the time...its just kinda hard to find the balance right now

Enami · « **Reply #56 on:** November 23, 2005, 16:43:44 »

Wow, I remember this. My fiance just finished his BMQ this summer. I remember not wanting to leave home in case I missed a call. Got over that, though, when I realized I had to live my own life. You should try setting up a calling schedule, that way you won't be as worried about missing calls. Ours was (really early!) Sunday mornings.
I also did cards and scrapbooking! Too funny. I sent care packages of stuff I was working on, which my fiance loved. I also did a little booklet for him, with letters to open at the end of each week, explaining various thoughts on our life together and offering encouragement. And I worked out a lot as I was trying (and am now in) the army, too. I found that I rediscovered my own self as an individual. We've been together so long, that I had forgotten what and who I was without him, if that makes any sense. I'm stronger for it, but I also reaffirmed how much my fiance and our life together means to me. It gets easier, I promise.
I was actually most worried about my fiance coming home and the both of us having to readjust to life together, but my worries turned out to be nothing. Tons of us here know what you're going through, so write if you're ever feeling down.

Take care.

kimmie · « **Reply #57 on:** November 23, 2005, 18:43:55 »

All the girls said great things. There are so many options for support, it makes it lots of fun. I find I love both my friends whose hubbies just joined and those who are old pros at it. Sometimes those ladies have been through it enough times they have some great advice and tricks that really work. Mind you, I'm most likely listed as one of those who don't mind the separations.

army.gf · « **Reply #58 on:** November 24, 2005, 19:49:48 »

hi everyone,
I'm new here, I was actually looking around for some support/similar forums. I just wanted to say that reading these posts has made me feel better already. Since I don't live on a base or anywhere near one, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the whole world experiencing this. It was incredibly reassuring to read your stories about missing phone calls, because I can completely relate! My boyfriend has been in the Army for over a year now, and is about to go on his first tour.So, I'm not new to this situation, but I definitly wish I sought support sooner! This site has been very helpful, and I hope to get to know some of you in the future!

Mojo Magnum · « **Reply #59 on:** February 26, 2006, 11:29:59 »

So far I've completed BMQ and am currently in my last week of SQ. All is "rollin" well.

Easily, the most difficult part of both courses has been being away from my wife and three children. I have been VERY fortunate in that, being from Ontario, I've been home almost every weekend that I've been granted leave. Even the seven hour drive from ST. JEAN was worth it. (when you're really home sick, it's no biggie).

Having said that, I've found that getting home always seems to make returning on Monday pretty tuff.

Anyone have any coping strategies for separation from the family?

Berenguei · « **Reply #60 on:** July 22, 2006, 23:32:49 »

Hey,

I'm going to St-Jean at the end of august, leaving my wife and kids (daughter: 9, son: 2) behind. I was wondering if there are some of you in the same situation with wives who would like to get in touch (through e-mail for instance) with other officer cadet's wives...might be good for their morale.

Leave me a PM if that's the case.

Springroll · « **Reply #61 on:** July 23, 2006, 09:12:02 »

I am headed to basic Aug 21st and I am a wife leaving behind my husband and my three kids, 11, 8 and 5.

News:

Author Topic: BMQ and seperation anxiety (Read 10528 times)

McAllister