Topic: Afghanistan, is it worth it- Cheating Spouse Thread

[PMedMoe]

Well, I'm sure there's all sorts of other forums for them to use.  I don't feel that it's appropriate here but I guess it's ultimately up to Mr. Bobbitt and/or the Mods.

[Harley Sailor]

I am not so sure it's the military men who are the ones find these women.  I know here in Halifax it is the women who hunt the sailors.  I know of a few who have gotten them selves a sailor, had a couple of kids with him and kicked him to the curb, all for his high child maintance payments.  My ex-wife being one of them.  I have even over heard her telling her friends that they should look into doing the same. "Sailors are gone half the time.  When they no longer go to sea you can get rid of them and keep half their pay"  At least one of her friends took her advice.

[Bzzliteyr]

I would fear, that as a small military community of about 60 - 70 000 we might actually find names/places/stories we recognize.  The anonymity of it all might not be there once the stories start flying.  Imagine reading about "some guy" and then realizing that you are hearing about your neighbour or friend whose wife cheated on him?

Harley Sailor, you quoted the wrong guy.

[helpup]

OK well if this is being turned into the cheating spouse thread, does anyone have any horror stories they would like to share? This thread could turn into a really good support group. I know there must be quite a few. I'm not talking just spouse back in Canada cheating. There were several soldiers I used to have a lot of respect for, and they cheated on their significant other when in Cyprus, while their significant other was more than respectful and dutiful to them the entire tour.

Not sure if that would be a good idea on this site or not. I know in my neck of the woods there are all kinds of examples of it from both men and women. I warned my wife when she came up here that the place is a bit of a Soap Opera in some aspects. 

I don't think I will go on too much more about this then add.  For every couple that has had a problem I know of many times more that do not have any problems.  "It takes two to make a marriage and usually two to break it, although One can always find a way to do it on their own.  But in that case that one is not The One you should of been with."

[geo]

Bzzz....
You shoulda seen it in West Germany - the minute the boys went into the field for fallex...... the Tide boxes in the kitchen window were the source of many a story.... many divorces....

[patriot1112]

No. There's enough 'trash-TV' shows for that sort of entertainment.

We don't need it here.

I guess "horror stories" was the wrong way to put it. I was trying to imply that if anyone had a story to share that they could do so. There are very many individuals who have been through this, and a lot might find some of the words of wisdom of those who have been through it a positive thing. It wasn'y my intention to make this a bashing thread or a thread to unload negative stories to make those in a specified community look bad. I started this thread as a rant. I don't know why I did it but what the hell, I had just got back, I was drunk, angry and hurt. The few minutes I had to write down what happened and the responses I recieved helped me, even if it was breifly. That leads me to believe now, that maybe instead of continuing as a ranting thread, there might be someone who has a story and needs some advice. Im not an admin, its not up to me but i thought it could be a good idea...

[AirCanuck]

Bzzz....
... the Tide boxes in the kitchen window were the source of many a story.... many divorces....

I don't get it?  Tide boxes?

I still agree with patriot.  It seems to me that many people here find a tight sense of community, of belonging, and I wouldnt' be surprised if many people here consider other members to be 'friends' without even meeting them.  This is why I think people here could easily find some comfort, as patriot did.

[Harley Sailor]

Bzzz....
You shoulda seen it in West Germany - the minute the boys went into the field for fallex...... the Tide boxes in the kitchen window were the source of many a story.... many divorces....

Yes we had the same thing in Halifax PMQs..  I remember being a young adult in Halifax and heading for the Qs to see which ships were out.  Later after I joined up I had to stop doing that for fear of having a shipmate bringing me home and me knowing his wife.

[1RNBR]

Tide boxes in the window was just a sneaky way of letting people know that your spouse was outta town for awhile, so it was like a welcome invite to anyone walking by.

[Kat Stevens]

In Germany it was "OMO" laundry soap... stands for "Old Man is Out".

[helpup]

I don't get it?  Tide boxes?

Ahh to be young again, it was already explained what the Tide Boxes were. But to add think of it like a sock or a neck tie on a door handle for a Dorm.  Or a red light on. It was a signal in this case to let those who were interested know that hubby or wife was away. From there it grew to other dimensions about putting unit stickers in a house, the Ace of Spades card and the list goes on.  The thing to remember though is the stories are rampant and for the most part a urban myth that covers a certain situation.  I have no doubt that there is some truth about that myth but not to the wide spread occurrence that is reported.  Mind you in describing a story of infidelity it would be embellished by the Tide Box. 

A point to patriot though is I do chat to my guys about giving power of Attorney to a young lady or someone they are only just getting into a relationship with Married or not.  Full access to all the money is another be carefull of.  And in saying this I am not saying leave her to fend for her ( or him ) self.  But every tour has a incidence of someone coming back to no money in the bank and in some cases no furniture in the house.

[AirCanuck]

Tide boxes in the window was just a sneaky way of letting people know that your spouse was outta town for awhile, so it was like a welcome invite to anyone walking by.

geeze.  Some people.

As for no furniture in the house, no money.. what an awful shock that must be.

[4Feathers]

geeze.  Some people.

As for no furniture in the house, no money.. what an awful shock that must be.

Many years ago now, but mine even took my dog, now that really hurt! My only point here is to not let that taint things in future relationships, sure it hurts but time heals and you move on. Inevitably you find your "true" love, and the hurt will just be a distant memory. Learning to trust again is the most difficult thing.

[geo]

geeze.  Some people.
As for no furniture in the house, no money.. what an awful shock that must be.

You think that's bad

After the fiasco on the stock market last year:

My portfolio has shrunk by half....
.............. and I still have my wife!   

[patriot1112]

A point to patriot though is I do chat to my guys about giving power of Attorney to a young lady or someone they are only just getting into a relationship with Married or not.  Full access to all the money is another be carefull of.  And in saying this I am not saying leave her to fend for her ( or him ) self.  But every tour has a incidence of someone coming back to no money in the bank and in some cases no furniture in the house.

That is an excellent point, and one I advocate to the umpteenth degree. The fact that My ex didnt have access to my bank account or credit cards probably saved me thousands of dollers. Unless their is kids invovled there is little to no need for a significant other to have access to your finances. If the spouse needs money you can have an account transfer set up at the bank before you go on tour so that if the spouse does need money its as simple as a couple clicks of the mouse. That will protect you from getting cleaned out as well. That is the advice I got and it was probably the best advice I've ever been given and taken

[Gumby]

This thread is helping me.  I'm on a tasking, and things at home with the missus isn't going good.  She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)    wasnt even gone 2 weeks before it happened!  GRRRRRR!!!   we talked, and whatever i'm trying to deal with it.  i know she has been confused lately, some my fault, some hers, but it happened.  We are working things out best we can being so far apart, but i know she plans on going out this week and i'm so worried.  See i have depression, and some self esteem issues.. these cause me to be a jealous, and at times controlling freakshow.   I never even knew i was so bad.. i didnt even really know i had a problem,, i was too busy blaming everyone else.. anyway..

long story short... she wants to go out.. i'm not comfortable with it, because of what she has done, but i dont want to say much against it, because that will push her away further.  I love her, and deep down i know she loves me.. i'm just so far away.  its a 4 months tasking, not quite a deployment, but a long time away from home either way.. especially for our first time apart.  but being a tasking, not a tour, there isn't much for support.

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

[Kat Stevens]

This is going to seem harsh, but I really don't know any other way to put it.  You need to weigh your feelings against one thing.  If she can't manage to keep her knees together for four months, all the love and understanding in the world won't change that, and it won't get any better.   Whether you rant, rage, and forbid or not, she's still going to go if that's what's on her mind.  Sorry, but there it is.  And if she cant keep 'em together, that's not love, buddy.

[Dolphin_Hunter]

She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)   

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

Just my thought on this, she admitted to making out with some dink at the bar, was her way of dropping some guilt.  There is probably more to the story, but that is for you and her to discuss.  I would think that her admitting that she made out with some loser at the bar could be the cause of some of your jealous issues, but I am not Dr. Phil so I could be wrong.

Clearly she ****** up and you are right to be worried if she goes out again, so now you have a problem.  If you tell her how you feel and ask her not to go out, you could come across as jealous (that is the exact angle she is going to play on you, she will call you controlling and everything else, she will play on your low self esteem), if that happens she will either lie and go out anyway, or there is a slim chance she won't go out.

So what do you do?  Cut her loose, there are plenty of women out there.  Once you show that you are strong enough to make it without her, she might start taking you serious, but until then she will walk all over ya.

[AUTHOR]

if the spouse does that when your *over there* then they arent worth it, theres lots of people that would respect you for what your doing and wait for you.... karma will bite them later in life and you'll be in a better position for it.  sorry for your losses

[Carcharodon Carcharias]

This thread is helping me.  I'm on a tasking, and things at home with the missus isn't going good.  She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)    wasnt even gone 2 weeks before it happened!  GRRRRRR!!!   we talked, and whatever i'm trying to deal with it.  i know she has been confused lately, some my fault, some hers, but it happened.  We are working things out best we can being so far apart, but i know she plans on going out this week and i'm so worried.  See i have depression, and some self esteem issues.. these cause me to be a jealous, and at times controlling freakshow.   I never even knew i was so bad.. i didnt even really know i had a problem,, i was too busy blaming everyone else.. anyway..

long story short... she wants to go out.. i'm not comfortable with it, because of what she has done, but i dont want to say much against it, because that will push her away further.  I love her, and deep down i know she loves me.. i'm just so far away.  its a 4 months tasking, not quite a deployment, but a long time away from home either way.. especially for our first time apart.  but being a tasking, not a tour, there isn't much for support.

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

Welcome to the broken heart club!

Shagging another bloke 2 wks into your tour! Thats a shocker!

Mine gave me the flick 6 days back from Iraq and left me for a woman!!! My story is in this thread somewhere. 7 yrs wasted, however I am with a hot chick now, a much better woman and a complete and total deviant at that too 

Having someone else say 'get over it' is, well, talk is cheap, and getting over a loss is not easy (espeically if you are away), it takes time, with a roller coaster of emotions. Just remember, you are not alone.

Hang in there

OWDU

[helpup]

For mine she was on tour with me, we were just starting to get into a very serious ( or so I thought ) relationship, prior to the tour and she departed a couple of weeks ahead of me.  As luck would have it we were in the same camp.  Well didn't she turn out to have a Bi-polar issue. Complete about face once I got there and it threw me for a loop. ( in the worse way that someone can do it to me, just ignored me. )  I did the depression thing, took up running and a month into the tour I was doing 22 km runs every sunday and 5 of the other days variable intensity running.  That kept my depression at bay ( I would highly recommend using natural endorphins over medical prescriptions any day) Anyhow My Karma took hold she got caught with a married guy in the back of a vehicle and the whole mess got busted as he sent a email meant for her back to his wife by accident.  Can you say BUSTED.  I still had allot of her stuff at my place and still she would not talk to me.   ( silly girl ) Almost a year after the tour she calls asking if I could send her stuff to a Friend of hers who would pick it up.  I explained how her stuff is no longer with me as I had kept it for about 8 months and got tired of storing it.  Called her on some of the lies about she tried to get in contact with me about it and basically told her to have a nice life.

As for me. A couple of Ladies later I did meet the one who is about ready to have our 1st child.  She outranks me ( Mo Money ) and is the most compatible person I have ever been with in my life. 

I have to add.  I tend not to judge people for being the right or wrong of a relationship. Men and Women are both equally guilty in the affairs of the body or heart.  And I have known people who include the extra Martial activities and continue to be happy together. My big thing is don't lie about it. If you have to lie about it then you shouldn't be doing it.  Don't have a double standard.  If it is OK for you to go and get a Crse Wife then don't be shocked or want to " Kill" if she does. 

[Bzzliteyr]

Three things I told myself I would change for my next relationship after my ex common law wife and I split:

1. I will not lie.  Lying is hard and takes a lot of energy out of a person, trust me.

2. I will not cheat.  That kind of goes hand in hand with point 1 as it leads to lying and covering up which drains valuable resources you should be dedicating to the relationship.  And having seen what it does to a person, don't think I would want that to ever happen again.

3. Share your feelings.  You know how in every relationship, you significant other does one thing that gets on your nerves but you don't say anything then finally explode about it?  Don't do that!! Tell him/her the first time it happens (ie. "honey, when you put your feet on the coffee table, it irritates me") and then they know how it makes you feel.  It does not oblige them to change what they are doing but allows them to adjust it or not to make you happy.  I am talking about basic things, not overly extravagant things like "honey, when you don't give me all the money in your bank account, I get upset".  Oh, an be respectful of them when they do the same.  Discussion is a big factor here, people don't like to hurt other people's feelings but what hurts more, a small request or a big explosion ?

Which brings me to this.  I recently met a lovely lady and we fell "in love".. it was a great thing but had only been for a couple of months.  She avoided telling people about me cause she had recently broken up with her ex and didn't want people to think it was a rebound thing.. or so I thought, turns out she pulled a number 1 and 2 on me!!

Go figure, I reform then fall in love with a girl that hasn't!!  Karma is a pain in the a$$!!

[helpup]

Lying is not only hard and can take energy.  It is also more difficult to remember consistently then telling the truth.  And lets face it women are very very very good at holding entire conversations in a vault and able to recall the minutia about the littlest detail at a moments notice in the future.

For me Karma works.

[Harley Sailor]

No one has looked at the other side of the coin...  If she strays while you are away, it gives you permission to do the same...  We are by nature a pack animal... It is only our good christian up bring that has told us that we have to be monogamous... After loosing my kids because my wife cheated on me I now look at life a whole different way... I now discuss it with my girlfriends and they know I will stray while I am away... They also know they can as well... Neither of us stray while we are together...  What works for some does not always work for others...  It is hard to stray for the teaching of our parents, but we have done so in other things and lived...

[lovinmysapper]

Hey Guys
On behalf of the female gender I apologize for the hurt you have been through ESPECIALLY whilst deployed ....the nerve....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
My guy has been gone since June and returns April... I have been 100% faithful I Love, Respect, Admire, and Adore this man being in the sandbox is a scary time for both of us and the last thing that anyone ever needs is a cheating *** either at home or on deployment ... I do not know why people cheat.... Karma is always gonna sneak up and bite you in the butt!!!!! and then some.......
Seriously guys if your woman (cant call her a lady) cheated on you while you were in a WAR trust me she is gonna do it while your at Tim Hortons!
AND please remember there really are good "ladies" out there... the part that bugs me is this: after you have been cheated on the mistrust is thrown onto the next lady until its resloved .... friggin Cheaters!!!!!
PHEWWWW I feel better now !!!! LOL  
Cheers