"I came to realize that my work was less about saving lives than about bearing witness. I was a grief mop."
From the book by Joe Connelly.
Kstart, the way I looked at it, we were sent into people's homes to help the families. Sometimes, it was enough that we just showed up. Sometimes, they wrote thank-you letters to the department that would be forwarded to us. I still have them. That, and a paycheck, was enough for me.
Great quote. For sure it makes a difference, sometimes a short brief intervention, even 5 minutes is all it takes, as a witness which helps others re-ground. That's powerful. I've appreciated that via crisis line, short, brief, but what was needed. And life before I got completly unable to function re: PTSD, with the work, I found it very satisfying and rewarding, as witness and seeing things move through to re-stabiization. I got some good feedback too. I have a treasure of a drawing a Vietnam Veteran drew (Mohawk-- a longer time for their benefits to kick in re: Canadians who served there. . .), was intense my partners were afraid of his anger. . . I was experienced re: witness to my brother's anger, and respecting it, giving it space, safe expression of it, and it disipates (and giving person the choice, if he wants to be left alone-- street outreach--options for that. . . ). The drawing he had been working on, just blew my mind away, a symbol that I related to re: flashback falling down and hitting, another symbol for healing, the movement in it, change of state 'medicine animal'. He asked for interpretation, and I just said what
I saw of it, owning that it's only an I-interpretation and answering honestly (without going way out there on it, just observations). . . he awarded it to me, simply tools were used, scrap of poster board and pen. I've reflected on it, dreamt about it, movement of pen, emotion it it. . . seems like it was an amazing way to express flashback and the 'forces that are happening' with that, it feels like just lands on me suddenly and I struggle to find an anchor (which he had in that drawing) and the intensity, mixed feelings of grief. It's really trippy, kind of wonder to have received that (he wouldn't know that I was beginning PTSD, I didn't talk about that-- it's not about me when I'm focussed on being present to others, then again, a lot of the people we met in outreach were very perceptive, had gone through long struggles themselves. . .). A Native way of expressing it, "a lot of 'medicine' in that drawing. . ."
I've also had experiences of running into others, sometimes years after the fact, and they remember me, have been really happy to report to me that things are going better, got housing, employment, etc., proud to say they 'made it'. That's an honour to see and hear.
Thankfully our sick organization disbanded and something much better replaced it. There's been a lot of improvements, housing improvements makes a huge difference-- street is too distracting for others to get focus, stability to make other changes. There are competent mental health workers, who have good support, more advocacy powers (things I had also been asking for, re: improving effectiveness). Funding though is also precarious, subject to political whims of powers that be. . . affects waitlists, etc.
Also, it is important to trust and have faith in the resilience of others (despite a very imperfect world and imperfect system where people have and do slide through the cracks of social safety net) and I noticed this a lot in that work (sometimes some inspiration), I take less for granted, the gift of that is appreciation.
Children also do have a lot of resilience, innate survival capabilities to cope with unsafe environments as do some adults in difficult situations. Learning to anticipate, predict; if absolutely trapped, dissociate to get through it. Making it out alive in a persistently dangerous situation, I can look back with some amazement, the scale could tip one way or the other. . . that's luck, but also some impressive sophistication. Problem is, is that when reach adulthood, those coping habits can be automatic, and not serve well. Similar idea to what returning from deployment, members will experience, a need to shift gears, re-adjust, but that there's been some grounding in normal, away from the theatre experiences to re-aquaint with. . . the transition can be challenging, a bit of stress is a given.
I read a story recently about Vietnam POW, they weren't allowed to talk to other inmates, so they developed a code of communation, re: tapping on walls. One guy survived the mental difficulty of it, by 'building a house' inside his head, all the plans, tools, etc. and when he made it back home, he got to it, built his house. That's an innovative adaptation to being in a trapped, highly repressive situation for years.
I encountered a situation in my life where there were simply not enough 'state reources' to get someone out safely enough-- that hurt, death threats, dangerous, unless those threats could be contained and not enough re: legal test of powers initiate that, but I had pain-- a trauma expert would understand what I witnessed re: risk factors, behaviours, etc., state investigated, but the abusers were sophisticated sociopaths-- that re-traumatized too along with awareness of horror. I tried to get help on that, I couldn't accept, didn't feel closure-- not something I could handle on my own without help and support. My mind couldn't accept it because it was unacceptable to me. I got treated really badly in the hospital "medical model", when trauma validation may have equally helped me re-stablize from that, but that's not how they play here. While still very painful for me, witnessing disturbing behaviours over time, partial recognition by the state, but not full re: another victim. It tore me up. I've had to settle with it, and try to have faith in that person's resilience to survive it safely. I did what I could, I confronted abusers, intense, high key stress, and resulted in safety risks, mine and others. . .
I don't know why I've had to be tortured like this, I would have walked away from situations, but concern for others kept me there, but turns out there are things i don't have power over, I can't control the choices of others, or the pathologies of others when they choose not to get help for themselves (denial of harm, or minimization of harm). I guess I have a more realistic sense of my limitations and now I avoid situations.
I was really moved by General Romeo Dallaire's (book and documentary,
Shake Hands with the Devil) re: accounts re: Rwanda, what kept him there when the orders were to withdraw and try to make a stand, but ouch. I identify emotionally with that pain, different scales of exposure and extremes, but I'd say I have encountered some evil out there in the world. . . Devil might have won the battle, but at least not my soul. It's probably not a bad experience to experience this once in one's lifetime, it's sobering, to feel through it at least once in a lifetime, that depth of pain. But it's dangerous self-sacrifice and can have lasting effects, painful ones, ptsd. . . It's also hard to stomach and it can be painful being aware of things that aren't right. I pushed my limitations, realized things that were beyond my personal control. With anyone's life, there are a lot of things that can be going on, and are simply beyond our personal control and about their choices and sometimes some unfortuante circumstances, complications.
[quoteI am disappointed to learn that victims of childhood trauma do not receive the support they deserve. Perhaps that is why I felt a bit guilty about getting paid to go to CISD.
][/quote]
Crisis services, even though the system is imperfect, does save lives, gives a person a chance to survive another day. I've struggled for a lot of years trying to find PTSD help. Support from the crisis lines helped me to survive, even though I couldn't get help for the underlying PTSD for a long time. I'm glad I survived, it's still worth it and I'm recoverying and I will be back up on my feet. I've let go of 'material loss', financial losses, realizing they're not that important as long as I have safe shelter and food to eat, and my brother is safe-- I can rebuild, I'll never be 'well-off'. . . having a cottage/place to live on a lake would be a good thing, good to have some dreams anyway. Some services have improved, but nothing is very stable, it depends on the powers that be. I struggled, I didn't fit the criteria of some programs geared to age, or ethnicity, etc. It was hard trying to self advocate while in a crisis state, begging at places, being declined because lack of space, ridiculously long waitlists, of several years. . .
It was really piecemeal-- there are some organizations that work really hard, fundraising and are good organizations. I could work through one trauma at one place. . . get a coping skill from another. . . really long waitlists, hampering recovery. . .but the central problem was the flashbacks, because that threw everything out of whack (dissociation, losing time, hard disorientating suffering. . . avoiding others so I'm not re-victimized in a vulnerable state and to preserve relationships, be a safe and stable pillar for my brother who has also had a hard time and was younger.)
I've actually done a fair bit of healing here-- there's things others won't understand, unrelateable re: crisis work, burnout. The issue of good leadership preventing trauma, burnout, hit home. I've had confusion, not realizing the other connection to not good 'leadership' as in parental strengths, resilience growing up (they're falling apart, while really low general functioning, really sick, and no access to healthy adults). It's a piece of it, a factor in how it was traumatizing and re-traumatizing re: toxic work environment. It booted up hypervigilance which makes sense to me now. What I saw there were trauma adaptations, spread ill-health in the organization, not unlike what happened in a traumatized family and the help just wasn't very good back then either, and it would have relied on parental cooperation and I'm not sure the parent would co-operate. But children are resilient, can have good survival skills for chaotic situations.
I try to read books, novels of strong characters and build inspiration up from that. It's important to nurture and build on positive exposures and experiences. I am through the worst of it. I have more understanding about the layers of traumatization, the pieces and I can calm myself about it (understand its effects, why is this happening, what is it-- being able to name it, makes it possible to detach enough from it), while being able to face it, and feel what I'm feeling without avoidance/numbing or excessive anxiety. I've developed some skills on my own, by what I could teach myself. I've had exposure to some awesome professors, teachers, some truly exceptional people and they're meaningful inspiration, same with some other experiences. Moments of grace that kept me going, spirituality, etc.
I stumbled into Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction-- it's now getting a lot more attention re: help for PTSD and I know it's really helpful-- I'm glad I had some exposure to that, it makes it easier to adopt flashback management techniques, benefits recovery in a lot of ways re: ptsd, anxiety, depression, other uncomfortable states, chronic pain, etc. IME. I hope they keep this accessible for others. I hope they can fund a PTSD program so everyone who needs it can access it, e.g. something like Homewood's program, even if it was available out-patient, a group. . .? I had access to a women' s group for a trauma, and facilitators could catch when I was starting to flashback/dissociation and remind me to breathe-- need a bit of a mirror because that helps me recognize it better when it does happen when I'm on my own. Those types of experiences help integrate the coping technique (traumatized self, ego states, hard to access coping skills without some bridge made by a witness who can notice it and let me know-- sometimes I rock slightly, body trying to soothe, automatic reaction-- learning to breathe, reminder to breathe helps [anxiety, breath becomes shorter, not enough oxygen, heart rate affected, more flashback prone, etc.]). I tried to learn through books for it, but was really limited in how I could approrpiate it.
Some help, but long waitlists inbetween, and brief (4 months max), complicated, re: multiple traumas, different ages, etc. Crisis support helped lots, 5 minutes on phone could help me get through flashback or other troubling symptoms, and also the effect built a bridge between traumatized ego states and present moment. When lost in it, it's hard to find 'home' present moment (where there's more power to choose, freedom of the will, apply appropriate coping, etc.). I'd say there's been some improvement in services vs. when I first broke down-- maybe? I also wasn't aware, I trusted help that wasn't help, so I missed out on doing harder searching back then. I mean, actually getting a call back after 2 years waiting, is a big improvement. Access via Community Health Centres for crisis counselling, also relatively new, past few years (some affordable help)-- it's hit and miss, funding there sometimes, sometimes it's not, so have to keep at it (have a list and go through it and check it monthly, yearly, etc.-- harder to do when cognitively impaired, crisis state. . .but I did get online support, which helped me stick to that and I worked hard at it, stuck with it, despite ptsd distractions). Resources crisis lines weren't aware of, a lot of research and searching. It was
luck that I finally found a social worker who had some knowledge re: PTSD treatment and could teach me flashback management-- has made a huge difference.
